January 2014 Critique Corner

January 2014: Story # 3

Title:                   Star Story        

Author:               Mackenzie N.        

Star was a very cared for dog. she got 2 full meals a day and a good amount of exercise time. after she had been with the owner for a while. the old owner had got sick. so the dog did not get as much care. so the owner gave star to a vet to take care of star while she was sick. and when she got better to come and pick her up. As weeks went on the owner had never came back to pick her up. then finally they got a report that the owner had died and sence star could understand human words she got sad when she heard that her owner had died. also she did not understand any other owner except for her old owners sister: kate and avery or her old owners brothers: jason carter and corey. and sence none of the brothers or sisters came she never had another owner . although star lived for many many years for as many as 12 years with 2 surgeries and she died by having to be put down . one last thing star was a golden retriever. 

4 thoughts on “January 2014: Story # 3”

  1. Wow, I like what you have so far! I think your story has a good plot, and I like how you jump right into the reader knowing that we are talking about a dog, and we will hear the rest of the dog’s story. I think that maybe you could add some more detail about Star and her owner.

  2. Hey, you did a really good job getting me connected to Star and showing that she was well loved. I think that you also did a good job with making us feel for Star and her Owner because lots of us have lost pets and have pets that we love.

    If there was one thing I’d say you could improve, it’d be expanding your story a little more, as some above commenters have said. I think that adding background information about Star, what her favorite game was, who their owner was, and what life was like for her would be really neat!

    But I think this is a really nice start and I think you should definitely continue writing about Star and anything else that you like! 🙂

  3. This was nice! I think if you added some background about the owner and Star before the tragedy occurred it would be even better.

  4. What a nice opening for a story! I liked reading about Star…a well- loved golden retriever. I like how you show that she really was well cared for by mentioning her meals and exercise time.

    You did a nice job of describing what happened to the Star’s owner. As I read this part, I felt very sad for both of them…sad for Star because she needed to go to the vet for awhile and sad for the sick owner. When I read that Star could understand human words and that she knew her owner was never coming back, I felt even more sympathy for her.

    It’s important for your reader to make a connection with your main character and I did that. As I read on, I found myself really rooting for Star and wishing that one of her owner’s brothers or sisters had come back for her.

    You could make your story even more fun to read by describing some things in more detail. For ex. How did Star get her exercise? Did her owner take her for three walks every day? Did she play catch with a tennis ball at the park with her owner too? These descriptions can help the reader to know your character even better.

    An important thing to remember to do after writing a story is to go back a read it again. It’s a great way to see if you need to make any improvements or corrections. In this case, remember to use a capitol letter at the beginning of every new sentence- right after each period.

    This is a really nice start to your story. I hope you will continue to write about Star. I’d love to read about one of the adventures she had with her owner or even some trouble she may have gotten into when she was a puppy! She’s sounds like a great pet who also could be a great main character! Nice job!

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