Author: Jordan M.
She walks into the room and immediately, all eyes are on her. She can feel the stares, hear the whispers.
She purses her lips tightly, metaphorically throwing away the key.
She walks through without a sound, and turns around when she reaches the exit.
He’s watching her, but it’s not like she hadn’t known he would.
She watches him and he watches her and she can’t look away from his green eyes.
His eyes follow her as she walks away and she doesn’t look back.
3 thoughts on “January 2014: Story # 5”
I like this a lot. I agree, though, with what other commenters have said. Describe, describe, describe. I like your action in the scene, simple, but at the same time, complex in emotion. Great job, keep writing.
You have a really poetic way of writing, almost like song lyrics. I could hear this in my head with a rhythm and I think that that’s something most writer’s aren’t that good at. So the fact that you can do this is an unique talent and definitely awesome!
My advice would be to practice this talent and be proud that you have an unique way of writing. This reads almost like an in-verse novel, which is very different than regular novels, but they’re pretty awesome.
Good job and I loved this!
This is a very powerful opening scene. I love the use of the omnipresent (third person) point of view. It matches what you’re trying to accomplish, I think. It’s a great way for the reader to know exactly what’s going on in a situation where the main character can’t possibly know. For example, when you say, “His eyes follow her as she walks away. “ This is important information for the reader to know. If this had been written in first person, the main character wouldn’t know this and neither would the reader. As it is though, the reader does know and immediately wants to know what he’s thinking!
This opening leaves me with questions. I want to know why everyone in the room is staring at her and whispering about her, and also why she knew they would be. It’s good for the reader to have questions. It makes them want to turn the page!
In the third sentence, I’m not sure that saying “metaphorically” is the best way to describe her throwing away the key. It might be better to actually use a metaphor. Maybe you could say something like, “She purses her lips tightly, as if she’s throwing away the key.” The idea is the same, but it doesn’t feel like the writer is explaining that the key description is not literal but really a metaphor!
I also would love to see more of a physical description of the main character. At this point, I only know that she’s female. What is her name? Does her hair fall a certain way when she walks? Does she take short, quick strides across the room, or does she move in a more graceful manner? A quick, physical description of the room would be helpful too. Is it a large ballroom? A small coffee shop? The high school cafeteria? These details would help to ground the reader in the setting and bring your opening to life.
Overall, I like the start of this story. I’m drawn to the main character and would love to know more about the boy with the green eyes and why everyone is whispering and staring! Keep at this. I would love to see where this scene is going. Well done! 🙂