October 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 3

Title:         Scary Story

Author:     Ben B.

October, 26 2013

Ben woke up knowing that he had a very big day ahead of him, On Saturday morning he had a Halloweenie tournament in Batavia, NY. He would play three games in one day with an hour in between. A ghost told him that if he did not score at least one goal he would DIE!!!  This ghost appeared to him while he was in his bedroom putting on his soccer uniform. Ben was very frightened but deep down knew he could score and save his own life…but more about that in a minute. Off to the fields without telling his dad anything about what the ghost had said. Although he was worried this might be the last time he saw his dad, he never let his fear get in the way of his mission…score a goal and live forever.

He played the Minions, Skelton’s and Batman. They tied the Minions 5-5…NO GOAL, lost to the Skelton’s 6-1, NO GOAL, and then…with death knocking on the door, Ben’s team lost to the Batman 2-1 …BUT BEN SCORED!!! …and he was freed from the Halloweenie Curse….phew!!.  Just in case you didn’t know my team was Superman! The weather we played in was terrible because the fields were technically under water and it was cold, windy and muddy! I actually fell on my face and into a pool of water….but at least I am alive to tell this scary tale.

6 thoughts on “Story # 3”

  1. Nice job Ben! I like the story here! I have one thing, at the beginning of the story you never say what sport it is so I was a little confused. Other than that well done!

  2. Ben sounds like a player…….Keep the emotions under control, don’t worry your dad about the course of the Halloween ghost, just get the job done. He does this amid terrible playing conditions and something tells me there will be more exciting stories from this author
    Robert J.

  3. What a great, scary story just in time for Halloween! You did a really good job of describing the horrible problem Ben is facing. I can feel how scared he must have felt as the ghost appeared to him in his bedroom. You also did a great job of showing the type of person Ben is. Even though he feels terrified for his life, he is determined not to worry his dad and to score a goal to save his own life. That makes the reader want to root for Ben and see him achieve his goal of staying alive.
    I like how you describe the fields and the cold, wind and mud. It might be a good idea to move that section to the end of the first paragraph, just as Ben is approaching the site of the game. That will help the reader to better feel like they’re a part of the action.
    I especially like the tension you created in this beginning. As the three games progress, the reader feels more and more nervous that Ben is not going to score a goal. It’s very important to make your character someone that the readers want to root for and you’ve done that. I think everyone who reads this will want Ben to succeed, so that he will stay alive!
    Well done. Keep at this one. I’d love to read more!

  4. This was such a great story! I really liked how you told your reader right away that your main character was Ben, and he was playing in a big tournament. I liked the idea of the ghost and all of that, but maybe you could add some details– why would he die if he didn’t score a goal, what it was like to play in the three games, and what it felt like to score the goal. I really liked this story a lot! Great job!

  5. That was so good! I feel bad for Ben in this… his poor dad! I love how you described how the ghost told Ben about what could happen if he didn’t score a goal. Overall, I really liked it, and I think you could develop it a bit more and it could be even better!

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