Category: October 2013 Critique Corner

You’re in for a treat today. 🙂 It’s story day… Let the critiquing begin! We have five story starts written by five awesome writers! Each story start is posted separately with its own comment box. Just go to the post below this one to see Story # 1. Keep scrolling down to see each of the other stories after that. Over the next few days, if your story is posted on the site, please be sure to make a comment about each of the other stories. And be on the lookout for a comment from Swirl and Spark too. If you don’t have a story posted today, you can still make comments. I’m sure each of these writers would love to hear what you think!

Remember to keep the critique comments positive. Begin with something you like about the story, add a suggestion if you have one, and end with something else you like about it too. So scroll down, sit back, and enjoy the beginnings of these stories. You’re definitely in for a treat!

But before we do that, let’s hear it for our October Swirl and Spark Authors: Adam, Jordan, Ben, Riley and Sarah!!  **claps like a crazy!**   Thanks for submitting. You five are awesome and well on your way to writing amazing stories!                         

Title:          The Chain

Author:      Adam Y.

Detroit 2036-

“McNabb skating down the ice, up on a breakaway, approaching the Blazers net… McNabb takes the shot.  He SCORESSS!!!” screams the Rebels commentator.

I always knew my special chain on my neck supposedly gave me good luck.  But, I didn’t think it was enough to have me leading the Western Hockey League in Points, Goals and Assists this season.

The chain was shaped in a weird way, a semi-circle with a divot on the straight side. I never knew where I got it. My parents say I was born with it, like we all were.  My parents told me that before their time, people didn’t have chains. Sure they had good luck charms but nothing as real as this.

I think my grandpa tells the story in the best way. “It was a dark, cloudless November evening in the year 1997. A man by the name of Elijah Harris discovered something, a locket with a semi-circle and a divot on the straight side. Just like mine. Supposedly he picked it up and put it on. He later found a great fortune. He gives the credit to his locket. Elijah said to his son on his deathbed, “The next person to have this locket shape you must find him.”

To this day no one has had that shape. I do, and good luck has come to me ever since. People have always questioned me about and I just shrug and say, “I was born with it. Like no one else ever was.”

Title:          Secrets

Author:     Jade Devereaux

“Sit with me. Just for a second. It won’t take that long. I just want to talk,” her voice rings out in the dark room.
The windows are cracked and there’s a draft, the cold November air seeping through.
He stops in his tracks, heart hammering in his chest. “You figured it out?” he asks and she chuckles from her seat by the open window. “What made you think I wouldn’t? You really didn’t make any attempt to hide it.”
He licks his lips, turns around slowly. “How did you do it?”
Megan shrugs. “It wasn’t hard.”
“What will it take then? To keep you quiet? What will it take?”
Her lips curl into a devious smile. “There’s something hidden at the hotel over on North Street. Second floor. Room 206. There’s a slip of paper under the mattress. There’s a set if directions on it. Follow the directions… and your secret will be safe.”
“That’s it? That’s all I have to do?”
She shrugs again. “That’s it.”
He nods. “By when?”
“No deadline, Anthony.”
He looks up. “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me. Not yet.”
He looks down and walks out of the room.

Title:         Scary Story

Author:     Ben B.

October, 26 2013

Ben woke up knowing that he had a very big day ahead of him, On Saturday morning he had a Halloweenie tournament in Batavia, NY. He would play three games in one day with an hour in between. A ghost told him that if he did not score at least one goal he would DIE!!!  This ghost appeared to him while he was in his bedroom putting on his soccer uniform. Ben was very frightened but deep down knew he could score and save his own life…but more about that in a minute. Off to the fields without telling his dad anything about what the ghost had said. Although he was worried this might be the last time he saw his dad, he never let his fear get in the way of his mission…score a goal and live forever.

He played the Minions, Skelton’s and Batman. They tied the Minions 5-5…NO GOAL, lost to the Skelton’s 6-1, NO GOAL, and then…with death knocking on the door, Ben’s team lost to the Batman 2-1 …BUT BEN SCORED!!! …and he was freed from the Halloweenie Curse….phew!!.  Just in case you didn’t know my team was Superman! The weather we played in was terrible because the fields were technically under water and it was cold, windy and muddy! I actually fell on my face and into a pool of water….but at least I am alive to tell this scary tale.

Title:          2076

Author:     Riley

The minute Max slammed the newspaper on the lunch table in front of me, I knew something was up. “Boston Tea Party,” the caption read. It was my mother’s newspaper.
“What’s this?”
Max’s face is grim, his eyes like stone. “Last night some… rebels from the government– they were Minors–threw tea in Boston Harbor. I don’t know what’s going on, but… Olive, I think your mom is in trouble. They stopped printing the paper and the Greaters took every copy from our street. I snagged this one from Leland before they came there.” He says this without looking away from me. I’ve been slowly eating cold macaroni noodle by noodle, taking in his every word.
“What about the Greater Times?” I ask, referring to the other paper in the area.
“It’s the same story, but they called it the Boston Harbor Incident. Don’t know what the name has anything to do with it, but none of those were confiscated…” Ashley trails off and slides onto the bench next to me, pulling a copy out of her bag.
I don’t look at it. My mother has been running the North Andover Chronicle since before I was born. She knew what she was doing. I shouldn’t be worried, but the pit in the bottom of my stomach tightens, and I feel like I’ve been swallowing snakes. Something is going on.

Title:         The Relationship

Author:     Sarah W.

Once there was this girl named Sarah and she had 2 WEIRD friends named Olivia and Shanna. And they were friends since kindergarten. They loved sleeping at Sarah’s house. And Sarah’s maid was named Brian and her pink limo driver was named Ryan (they weren’t very good). They got paid 1 cent per hour which was okay to them because they’re happy if they get into any kind of job because many people thought they were bad at the jobs they wanted to get. Anyway, so Sarah invited Livie and Shanna over to spend the weekend at her Mansion they said okay. Sarah lets them have whatever they want whenever they want and because of that they were called the rich and popular crew. Livie wanted to go bowling, and Shanna wanted to go to the YMCA to go swimming so I said okay we’ll go to both. So when we were bowling the score was really close. Sarah had 367, Shanna had 370, and Olivia had 368. I know that in bowling we can’t get more than 300 but we’re better than that 300 rule. We wanted to win but who ever won, the other people didn’t get mad so at the end Shanna won the game. Then we went to the YMCA and the people there called us queens of the dolphins which meant we were very good at swimming.