October 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 2

Title:          Secrets

Author:     Jade Devereaux

“Sit with me. Just for a second. It won’t take that long. I just want to talk,” her voice rings out in the dark room.
The windows are cracked and there’s a draft, the cold November air seeping through.
He stops in his tracks, heart hammering in his chest. “You figured it out?” he asks and she chuckles from her seat by the open window. “What made you think I wouldn’t? You really didn’t make any attempt to hide it.”
He licks his lips, turns around slowly. “How did you do it?”
Megan shrugs. “It wasn’t hard.”
“What will it take then? To keep you quiet? What will it take?”
Her lips curl into a devious smile. “There’s something hidden at the hotel over on North Street. Second floor. Room 206. There’s a slip of paper under the mattress. There’s a set if directions on it. Follow the directions… and your secret will be safe.”
“That’s it? That’s all I have to do?”
She shrugs again. “That’s it.”
He nods. “By when?”
“No deadline, Anthony.”
He looks up. “Thanks.”
“Don’t thank me. Not yet.”
He looks down and walks out of the room.

5 thoughts on “Story # 2”

  1. I like the beginning of this story! I wonder why they are in that room in the first place… keep up the good work!

  2. I hope Anthony hurries to room 206; Megan sounds a bit nasty. I can’t wait to find out more. Great set up of a plot.
    Robert J.

  3. I like the tone of this! Very eerie. Love the mystery! This is an effective way to pull the reader into your story right away. That’s not an easy thing to do. I immediately want Anthony to get to Room 206 at the hotel on North Street! You have a knack for descriptive language. The sentence describing the draft through the cracked window is a good example. You’ve set up your two characters nicely too. Megan feels very cold to me as indicated in her chuckling response and in her curling lips. I can feel the panic in Anthony’s voice. Well done!
    In the beginning sentence, you refer to Megan as her. I felt a little confused by who you were talking about. The reader would have a better feel for the story more quickly if they knew her name. It’s important for the reader to feel connected to the main character as soon as possible. With that one change, that will happen.
    Overall, this is a strong start. Keep at this one. I would definitely turn the page!

  4. Oooh, I thought this was very mysterious. Very good, but really vague, but not in a bad way. If you were ever to develop this into a full story, I would definitely give more detail. I liked the idea of the blackmail (right…?), and your writing was very good.

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