September 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 1


By, Mackenzie N.       

Mekkena woke up to her tryout day. She was trying out for the Brockport screamers. She was felling scared and nerves because she was not sure if she was going to make it. She was not sure because for the tryouts you need to be able to do cartwheels, handstands, front flip, back flip, front handspring and back handspring. So for that reason she was not sure if she makes it, but she was going to try anyways and do her best. Then, she got up and put on her leotard and then her clothes. She ate breakfast, brushed her teeth, and got her hair together in a ponytail with a bow. Then it came time for the tryouts.

5 thoughts on “Story # 1”

  1. what a great start!i loved how that in the story right away the character was nervous and exited at the same time!

  2. This is a great start! I really like how you tell the reader right away what’s going on and the fact that Mekkena is both nervous and excited. I liked the detail you used when she was getting ready. Maybe you could show the reader that her hands are shaking and she’s trying to calm her nerves, instead of telling them. Great job, you definitely leave the reader wanting to read more!

  3. I really like your story, but I suppose it could use some more descriptive details but other than that I like your story.

  4. I like how you developed your main character! I agree with swirlandspark that you could show the reader not tell them about how she is nervous. I liked how you started before the tryouts and not in them, it shows tension.

  5. What a great start to your story! I love all the details you’ve used like the name of the team Mekkena is trying out for, the skills she needs to be able to do to make the team, and the bow used for her ponytail. 
    In the first few sentences, you tell the reader that Mekkena is feeling scared and nervous. Instead of telling the reader this information, try showing the reader. For example, you could describe her sweaty palms. Or you could explain how she ties her bow fifteen times to get it just right. Or you could describe the thumping in her chest. All these things would help the reader to understand just how nervous she is…and they will feel nervous for her too!
    You’ve done a nice job developing your main character. In a few short words I can see that she is a determined young girl. She is motivated to succeed no matter how difficult the challenges are. I love your last line. It builds excitement and makes me what to read more. Well done!

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