September 2013 Critique Corner

Story #2

By, Riley


          I turn around to see Lea almost at the top of the cargo net.

          “Cass, can you get me down now?” She yells from fifty feet in the air.

          I sigh. This is the second time this week she’s gotten that far. She’s still reaching for the tire swing that is suspended three feet above the end of the net.

          “Lea, are you sure? You’re so close!” Reese’s, my co-counselor shouts up to the little brunette girl who is now just dangling from the ropes looking nervous, as if the harness might snap.

          “Yeah, Cass. Please? I’m scared.”

4 thoughts on “Story #2”

  1. I like the tension as well! I think you should put something about how lea is scared, like her palms are sweating or her stomach hurts. I like how it ends with dialogue though very well done

  2. I love the tension in this! I feel afraid for Lea. I feel anxious for Reese. Lea is afraid to fall. Reese is afraid she’ll give up. This is a great tug-of-war between two characters. I also feel Cass’s frustration. In just a few words I can see that as a counselor she wants to take care of Lea, but as a teenager, she is sick of saving her from the same spot on the cargo net! You’ve set the stage for three very compelling characters.
    When you begin a story with so many characters though, it’s difficult for the reader to keep them straight. I would consider clarifying which character is which, or better yet focus only on two characters for this scene. You want the reader to have a good understanding of who the story is going to be about. Here, it’s hard to tell which character that is. All three are important, but the reader will want to know more about one in particular.
    Once you’ve established your main character, the setting becomes very important. You’ve done a great job establishing that. From the height of the cargo net, to the tire swing just out of reach I feel like I’m right at summer camp with them. If you can add even more details like this, you’ll have all your readers wanting to sign up for camp…or at the very least reading all about the adventures of this camp counselor! This is a great start. Nicely done!

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