September 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 3


By, David V.


            I ran as fast as I could, faster than fast, trying not to look in the terrible gaze. I was all alone, no one with me and nothing with me, except a bow and one last arrow. I was losing the battle with death.

Chapter 1 The Beginning

            It all started as a group of kids hanging out after school together. Then it happened.

5 thoughts on “Story # 3”

  1. Your story is really amazing! It pulls you right in and makes you want to read more. You can also feel the characters fear and emotions. Great Job!

  2. you did a great job pulling the reader right into action!i would add a little bit more on what the character is feeling like is his tummy hurting or he is sweating like crazy!

    but i really liked the story so fair keep writing!

  3. You did a great job pulling the reader right into the action. I agree that you should leave us a few more details– you don’t have to tell the reader why he’s running or who he’s running from, but maybe you could describe where he’s running. What does it look like, what does it smell like? How does the main character feel, other than nervous? Is he determined to do something?
    I really like how you started this, great job!

  4. I like how you put the reader right into the action. I would add more to like how he or she was feeling like their palms were sweating or something like that. Overall very nice job!

  5. This is a great start! I like how you begin your story with action. You use very few details but I know enough to understand that your main character has gotten himself (or herself) into a dangerous situation. That in itself makes me want to read more!
    You tell the reader in the prologue that your main character is losing the battle with death. This is a great phrase. It makes me terrified for him. However, I’d like to see if you can leave the reader in suspense a little longer. If you add a few more details to this scene, the reader would wonder what the outcome of this confrontation will be for a little bit longer. I’d also like to know the main character’s name. I would feel more connected if I knew that information.
    I love the shift from the prologue to the first chapter. The reader knows that the main character is going to get into trouble but he now realizes that this story is going to be about a group of regular kids. That makes the danger even more real and that’s a very good thing! Great job!

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in: Logo

You are commenting using your account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s