September 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 4

The Chain

By, Adam Y.

Detroit 2036- “McNabb skating down the ice up on a breakaway approaching the Blazers net, McNabb with the shot, he SCORESSS,” screamed the Rebels commentator.

 I always knew my special chain on my neck gave me supposedly “good luck” but I didn’t think it was enough to have me leading the Western Hockey League in Points, Goals and Assists this season. It’s shaped in a weird way, a semi-circle with a divot on the straight side. I never knew where I got it. My parents say I was born with it, like we all were.

5 thoughts on “Story # 4”

  1. good job Adam i really liked how you set up the chain. the game is so realistic that i can picture it in my mind!

    great job Adam! keep writing!

  2. I really like how you set the scene with the game. The commentary for the game is so realistic, and I like the futuristic setting, and I love the idea of the chain. I like how you describe what it looks like and what it does. Great start!

  3. Great job Adam! I love how descriptive you are about what the chain looks like and what kind of powers it has. It really pulls the reader in. I can’t wait to read more!

  4. This is a strong start! I like how you begin with the city and year. It lets the reader know right away that this story is happening in a real place but set far in our future. The quote you begin with is exciting and filled with voice. It sets the tone as a sports story… or so we think! It’s always good to surprise the reader and this story beginning does that. I like how you introduce the chain right away and let the reader know there’s more to this story than what they might expect.
    The first sentence in the second paragraph is a little long. The beginning of the sentence tells about the chain and the end tells the reader information about the hockey skills of the main character. Both are very important details, however, they lose their impact because they are mixed together in one long sentence. Both would be stronger and easier to understand if you separated them into two smaller sentences.
    I love the description of the chain towards the end of the second paragraph. The reader can imagine its strange shape. The biggest surprise comes in the last line. It reveals that somehow all people are born with a special chain. That’s an interesting fact that makes me want to turn the page. Well done!

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