October 2013 Critique Corner

Story # 1

Title:          The Chain

Author:      Adam Y.

Detroit 2036-

“McNabb skating down the ice, up on a breakaway, approaching the Blazers net… McNabb takes the shot.  He SCORESSS!!!” screams the Rebels commentator.

I always knew my special chain on my neck supposedly gave me good luck.  But, I didn’t think it was enough to have me leading the Western Hockey League in Points, Goals and Assists this season.

The chain was shaped in a weird way, a semi-circle with a divot on the straight side. I never knew where I got it. My parents say I was born with it, like we all were.  My parents told me that before their time, people didn’t have chains. Sure they had good luck charms but nothing as real as this.

I think my grandpa tells the story in the best way. “It was a dark, cloudless November evening in the year 1997. A man by the name of Elijah Harris discovered something, a locket with a semi-circle and a divot on the straight side. Just like mine. Supposedly he picked it up and put it on. He later found a great fortune. He gives the credit to his locket. Elijah said to his son on his deathbed, “The next person to have this locket shape you must find him.”

To this day no one has had that shape. I do, and good luck has come to me ever since. People have always questioned me about and I just shrug and say, “I was born with it. Like no one else ever was.”

6 thoughts on “Story # 1”

  1. I love the tone of this story! It has a very modern feel to it, but with elements of the past too. I like how you use the grandpa’s story to explain where the first chain came from. The story of Elijah’s fortune is interesting. You could make it even more interesting with more details. As you revise, why not develop that story a little more? For example, you talk about how Elijah must find the person with a chain like his. You’ve intrigued me with that plot point. I want to know how he goes about doing that! I’m also intrigued to know in what ways the main character has been so lucky. Does it have to do with hockey, or other areas of his life too? I would also like to know the main character’s name at this point. Maybe you could have his grandpa, call him by his name as he begins telling the story of Elijah. I really love the idea of the chain and you write with amazing voice.This is a great premise for a story. Keep at it. I would definitely read on.

  2. It left me wanting more. What a great read. “My parents said I was born with it; like we all were”. Who are the we?This sounds like a sequel is in the works. I’ll be watching.
    Robert J.

  3. I really liked how you are developing this story, and I like how you describe the chain. I think you could develop the story of Elijah Harris a bit more, and add a few more details here and there. Great job!

  4. That was super good. I loved the tradition, and it’s vague enough that we don’t get the whole story. Great job!

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